There I was ... 4 days away from turning 27 years old ... sitting alone on my boyfriends bed, bra-less, wearing his sweatpants watching two cats lick themselves, while balling my eyes out for no apparent reason. Blubbering like a child. Not even able to catch my breath. I had no explanation for the sadness I felt. No reason to feel defeated or unwanted. No reason whatsoever to be acting so childish.
But in my head, I just kept justifying my tears. I kept thinking of all the times I felt this way. Thinking of how I never felt like I was enough, how I always felt rejected ... Feeling sorry for myself about how I don't have many friends to do things with when my boyfriend is occupied ... Ashamed at how I ate cookie dough after dinner the past three nights in a row and how I'll probably just eat some as my dinner tonight since I'm having a pity party and no appetite ... Angry that I only have 3 more years to become a millionaire by my insane deadline that I, alone, put on myself ... Thinking of how I'm not yet where I want to be in my career and how my mom didn't answer the phone when I tried calling her just now, even though we've already talked five times today ...
Thinking about how I wanted to go to a movie tonight, but had no one to go with (other than Fowler who I probably annoy since we see each other every single day and who was busy saving a life ... which is a real, legitimate problem). Then another negative thought popped in my head ... of how I missed out on so many good times with my friends because I was so focused on the wrong things like work and sleep and guilt.
Just thinking and thinking and thinking, and continuing to dig and feel pain until the point that I was just so angry at myself for even thinking I have problems when there are people out there who really do have legitimate problems ...
And that's when I got up and picked up Fowler's Alcoholics Anonymous book that sits on his dresser. (Oops. Not so anonymous, now ... Sorry, babe.) It was weird. The cats were climbing on the dresser digging at it and that got my attention. Since I needed something to distract me from the snot I was choking on, I decided to start flipping through the pages of "the big book" and accidentally dropped it. It landed face down, opened to page 203 ... in the chapter titled "Women Suffer Too".
I started reading it, sniffling in between, petting Silver (the cat) as he attempted to claw my hair and then I saw a paragraph that caught my attention ... .
"When I look back on the last horrible year of constant drinking, I wonder how I survived it, either physically or mentally. For there were, of course, periods of realization of what I had become, attended by memories of what I had been, what I had expected to be." ...
I got distracted by Silver actually eating my hair now, so after pulling my hair out of his mouth, I went on to read more at the next spot my eyes fell to ...
... "We cannot live with anger."
And that's where it all kinda hit me, much like it did the person telling the story in the book. I sobbed for another couple minutes as if I had some crazy revelation after reading that line and then I started writing this post.
I don't know if this will create a big change for me, relieve some of my self-inflicted anxiety, or help me become a better version of myself FOR myself, but it's in reading this book, on this April day that I think I now realize that we, ourselves, are our greatest enemy. That we, ourselves, hang on to anger and create our own problems, become victims of our own made up stories, self-sabotaging our own destiny. We have every ability to change how we feel and how we act in any given moment of any given situation at any given time, yet we tend to hold on to garbage and focus on the pain of the past and fears of the future, putting so many demands on ourselves, expecting so much from so many, totally disregarding the present moment and that life itself is a gift that we receive every single day we wake up.
What we choose to focus on and how we choose to spend our time is an indication of how happy or sad our reality will be.
For me, my reality is awesome. It's FILLED with blessings. I live in one of the most beautiful states in the country, where the sun shines 365 days per year. I have a loving family, a great career, the most amazing man in my life as my boyfriend and best friend, a future mother-in-law who I absolutely adore, more than a dozen angels watching over me and my family, guiding us and protecting us each day ... I have all my limbs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a good heart covered by a great set of tits that I paid for entirely on my own, calve muscles that most people work their entire lives to get, great hair, good health, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a helping hand, a circle of positive influencers, a universe so powerful that when I think positive thoughts I create positive experiences instantaneously, and a God so mighty that any and all obstacles I face, I also handle the minute I put all that I am and all I need to be in His hands.
Ninety percent of the time, I feel the blessings and am expressing gratitude and experiencing happiness. But that other 10% of the time, particularly when it's that "time of the month", it's like I forget ... and then I'm questioning my value and self worth and criticizing every piece of me.
If you ever experience the same feelings I do, I encourage you to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back from living your life to the fullest. If it's an addiction, negative self-talk or thought, bad memories, feelings of lack--whatever--let it go.
Two nights ago, I prayed for wisdom and I prayed for positive change, and although this is difficult to write and come to terms with, realizing that I am and always have been my own worst enemy is one of the wisest, most positive things to ever happen to me.
I cannot erase what I know, but I can move forward with only giving attention to what fills me with joy ... and so can you.
Learn to be OK with being OK. Learn to be cool with patience and with things unfolding as they should. We all go through periods of change, of growth, of letting go of the old-self to become the better, happier, wiser version of the new self ... But all growth requires change and some of that change requires deliberate intention every day.
Be OK with surrendering yourself and your views, and set the intention to let your guard down so you can see things for what they truly are instead of what you expect them to be. When you want to be happy more than you want to breathe, you'll set the intention to change. And when you understand the value of time ... and how every moment you spend holding on to anger or feeling sorry for yourself, you're wasting seconds, minutes and hours that you'll never get back ... that's when you will make the decision to be better, to think more positively and to seek joyful things. When you understand this, well then, my friend, you understand life.
In the end, only three things really matter ... how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you ... so love hard, live fully and if whatever "it" is doesn't bring you peace, let that shit go!